🧠 The Truth About Confidence and Control

I am frequently asked questions such as: “How do I build my confidence?” or “How do I increase my self-belief?” Equally frequently, my answer is not particularly well received.

What most people misunderstand is that confidence is not a personality trait, nor is self-belief a characteristic that some individuals are born with, leaving others at a disadvantage. Confidence is, in fact, a neural pathway.

If you think like me, this concept is exciting. Neuroplasticity shows us clearly that new neural pathways can be intentionally created through deliberate practice, consistently adjusting based on feedback received from these experiences.

How does this relate to control? For many women, what is described as a lack of confidence is actually a fear of not being in control of the outcome. This fear manifests as behaviours that resemble low confidence, such as procrastination, perfectionism, prioritising other people's needs over important tasks, or repeatedly "getting ready" without ever taking action.

Confusing confidence with certainty is easy, when feeling completely safe or fully prepared is your prerequisite for taking action, launching a project, or voicing an opinion in a meeting. Confidence, however, has never been about certainty. It is about self-trust in motion.

What about the neuroscience behind it?

Your brain’s primary function is to keep you safe. It achieves this by referencing past experiences or stored information to predict the outcome of new behaviours. There are typically three ways this process unfolds: firstly, the brain recalls what it perceives as a negative outcome from a similar past situation, thereby sending a signal to avoid the action; alternatively it recalls a previous positive outcome and gives the signal to take action. The third option, especially when we are faced with an unfamiliar situation, is that the brain may lack sufficient data to predict an outcome, leaving you in neurological uncertainty (often described as "out of your comfort zone"). This is precisely the state that most coaches and self-help books encourage you to embrace.

However, the brain dislikes uncertainty intensely, interpreting it as a threat. Consequently, it controls your behaviour to maintain safety. When the brain cannot predict outcomes, it assumes the worst and prevents action. This results in procrastination, perfectionism, and other avoidant behaviours that keep you small and mistakenly appear as low confidence.

When situations feel uncertain (such as becoming visible or feeling vulnerable), your nervous system responds as if there is danger. This triggers the impulse to control outcomes, perceptions, and even people around you. Our conundrum is that control does not build confidence; instead, it keeps you stuck. Without action, you cannot build positive evidence that you are capable and competent. This is why my answer to the question of building confidence is always centred around taking action, even (especially!) when it feels uncomfortable.

The more frequently you speak, act, or show up in alignment, even imperfectly, the stronger the positive neural associations become and the easier it becomes to repeat the behaviour. Confidence in action!

Here is my RAA Framework (sound it out like a lion!) for confidence:

1. Regulate your nervous system:

Before you take action, take several deep breaths. Deep breathing stimulates the vagus nerve, signalling safety to your brain. By performing this before an action where you previously experienced low confidence, you create an association of safety with the task. You might also put on music that elevates your mood or wear clothing that makes you feel empowered. These actions help to build positive neural associations with the new behaviour.

2. Anchor your self-belief:

Become a detective in your own life; actively seek evidence of past successes in similar situations. Consciously train your brain to focus attention on these successes. The more frequently you recall these experiences, the stronger the neural pathways to positive memories become. Over time, this creates a robust foundation of evidence supporting your capability and competence.

3. Act before you feel perfectly ready:

Act now, in this moment. Take action while your nervous system is regulated and your conscious mind has gathered sufficient evidence for success. Every action creates additional evidence that you can do what you say you will. Your most important first step in building confidence is not executing tasks flawlessly; rather, it is following through simply because you committed to doing so. This consistency builds trust in your brain, making your actions predictable. Predictability, in turn, is highly valued by your brain.

The more consistently you act, the stronger the neural loop becomes. This loop reinforces the message: "I can handle this. I can do challenging things. I can trust myself."

🎥 If this resonates…

You’ll love today’s new video on YouTube where I unpack the relationship between confidence, control, and neuroscience in greater detail.
“Why Confidence Is Not About Control”
📺 Watch it here → https://youtu.be/D3ifWCXQECQ

Building confidence isn’t about waiting until you feel "ready"—it’s about trusting yourself to take action, even when uncertainty is present. Every small step you take is a step closer to building the confidence you seek and the life you desire. Remember, done is better than perfect; every imperfect action is a win.

Much love, 

Tan!a xo

PS If anything in today's message spoke to you, click here to check out the Freedom Collective — where we turn insights into action, build businesses with intention, and grow alongside a community of women who are done with the hustle and ready for aligned success. Your next level doesn’t need to be lonely — let’s rise together.

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