You can consciously want independence and still find yourself recreating the very circumstances that prompt someone else to step in and rescue you.
An identity agreement that came up in a coaching conversation recently illustrated this very clearly.
The person I was working with had entered a new phase in life and work and was already aware of a long-standing tendency to overwork. We had spoken about how important it would be not to let the new circumstances become another version of the same cycle.
Within a relatively short space of time, though, the old cycle was beginning to reappear. He was working late, his sleep was being disrupted, self-care was becoming less consistent, and the regulation practices that usually supported him were quietly falling away.
On the surface, this looked like an overworking problem.
We could have focused on boundaries, a better schedule, stopping earlier, protecting sleep, and returning to the practices that help him regulate. All of those things would have been useful, and none of them would have taken us to the real issue.
As we traced the cycle back, something much more revealing emerged.
This was not the first time he had kept going beyond what was sustainable, reached a point where he could no longer cope, and then found his family stepping in to help.
The circumstances had changed. The cycle was familiar.
As we unpacked it further, the identity agreement underneath the behaviour became very clear:
“I have to collapse to get them to notice.”
At that point, the behaviour made sense.
Somewhere in his experience, breaking had become associated with receiving care. When things fell apart, people moved closer. When he could no longer manage on his own, support arrived. When he needed rescuing, he had evidence that he mattered.
That becomes particularly interesting when you consider that he is also moving towards greater independence, including financial independence from his family.
Consciously, he wants that independence.
At the same time, independence potentially removes one of the routes through which he has learned to expect care and connection.
Underneath that sits the question:
If I no longer need you to rescue me, will you still come towards me?
That is a very different issue from poor time management.
It is also one of the reasons I find the language of self-sabotage so limited. Behaviour that looks completely irrational from the outside can make perfect sense once you understand what the identity agreement is preserving.
In this case, success and independence change more than a bank balance or a historical way of working. They potentially impact a relationship structure that has carried much deeper meaning.
I saw another version of the same theme recently in someone who could receive gifts, generosity, and financial support from others relatively easily, while creating substantial independent wealth for herself felt much harder.
You could call that a money block. I am far more interested in what receiving support has come to mean.
If financial support has become associated with being loved, cared for, valued, or important, then creating your own wealth carries relational as well as financial meaning.
This is what I mean when I talk about identity profit.
An identity agreement survives because, despite the cost, it is also doing something for us. The profit may be connection, belonging, protection, attention, or the reassurance that somebody will step in. It may also allow us to remain right about who we believe ourselves to be.
That was present in the first conversation as well.
The overwork and eventual collapse created rescue, and it also reinforced a familiar victim identity. Things become overwhelming, something breaks, other people step in, and the outcome becomes fresh evidence for an identity that already feels familiar.
The agreement shapes the behaviour, the behaviour contributes to the outcome, and the outcome then appears to confirm the identity.
This is one of the most important things to understand about identity agreements.
They make sense to the system that learned them.
That is also why changing the visible behaviour can be so frustrating.
Undoubtedly, a better schedule, stronger boundaries, and protecting sleep and regulation practices help. All of those are important and valuable.
If, however, overworking has also become one of the ways your system knows how to create care, you are asking yourself to give up something far more significant than late nights. If dependence has become entangled with belonging, financial independence can feel threatening even when it is exactly what you consciously want.
The work becomes much more useful when we move beyond trying to stop the behaviour and start asking what the behaviour has been making possible.
The need for support, care and connection is not the problem. Those are normal human needs. The work is to uncouple those needs from the behaviour that has historically been required to produce them by asking different questions.
What if I can be successful and still be cared for? Is it possible for me to be financially independent and remain deeply connected to my family? What if people will still come towards me when I am well, capable and thriving? Is it possible that I can receive support without first reaching the point where I cannot cope?
These are new predictions that need new evidence. That evidence is created in the moments when the old agreement would usually take over, and you choose something different.
You might stop work before you are exhausted and notice that connection is still available. You may ask for support before you are in crisis, and notice how people respond. You might allow someone to care for you even though you are perfectly capable. You might earn more money and pay close attention to what actually happens in your relationships, rather than assuming the old prediction will come true.
This is how an identity agreement begins to loosen.
We understand what the behaviour has been protecting, and then we create evidence that there is another way to have what we need.
The real goal, then, is not simply independence.
It is being able to become independent without making independence mean being alone.
If this has made you recognise an outcome that keeps repeating in your own life, even though you consciously want something different, this is exactly the work we will be doing inside The Identity Agreement Reset™ in September.
We will identify the identity agreement underneath the behaviour, understand what it has been protecting, and use deliberate experiments to begin creating the evidence your brain needs in order to predict something different.
Enrolment closes 5 September. The programme opens on 7 September.
If you are ready to stop trying to change the outcome without understanding what keeps recreating it, you can join us here:
Learn More: Invisible Identity Reset
Much love,
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